How I went from a believer to a nonbeliever...

So I was baptized somewhere around the age of 5 or 6 or something like that. I went to church before then, I had an idea of what I was doing. I kept going to church and learned a little more the next couple of years after it. Then there were some unfortunate circumstances in the family and we stopped going to church. At this time I was in 4th maybe 5th grade. So for a year or two I didn't go to church, which at this age I didn't really think much about it. It just meant more fun on Sunday's. So I started middle school and made a new friend. She eventually invited me to church, I agreed and this began many years of this being my second home. I learned the ups and downs of being a christian. There are lots of questions a teenager can ask and many answers to be handed down to this individual. Therefore I was at church every sunday morning and night and every wednesday. I can't say I ever really changed my ways through my teens. I started smoking pot when I was 13 and was drunk for the first time that same year. But even after cussing all week, drinking most nights and smoking all week, I was still at church when I could be. All because I believed in what I was hearing. It sounded so good. You sin, God forgives you and then all is well right? Not quite. When you get older you get smarter, or dumber, polls are still out on that. But your brain doesn't work the same way it used to. You see more of the world through an adults eyes than you do a teenager or adolescent eyes. The world seems perfect when you're younger. Its not until you get older that you see how wrong and grimy it can really be. So the drinking and drugs went on pretty heavily until I was about 19. I figured it was about time to stop (kind of) and I was even closer to God at that point in my life. I went on summer mission trips called World Changers for four years. The first two years I saw a lot of great things happen there. You go and work on people's houses who need it badly during the day, then praise Jesus a lot at night. Some of my dearest friends I have met through those summers. Well something clicked between the 2nd and 3rd years that I went. I didn't know what it was. It wasn't long after my realization that I wasn't really living right. But I started having more questions and was getting less answers. The next couple years I went through life thinking that for some reason God had given up on me. I sinned too much and he was tired of forgiving. I know what you're saying... God is always forgiving and will always be there for you. Will he though? So then I started thinking, ok, so if everyone gets forgiveness then what is wrong with this picture? Thieves, rapists, child molesters, murderers... These people are forgiven too? Really? You've got to be kidding? But people always say these people are going to hell where they belong, right? Well according to the Bible, no, if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior then their sins are washed clean. My mind goes straight to the you've got to be fucking kidding me zone. (yes I actually have one of those.) So there I am, early twenties and completely turned off by this Christianity situation. Its not that I stopped believing in God at that point, it was more, I don't want to be in the same heaven as these people. More time went by and I slowly started separating myself from church. The further I got, the less I believed there was a God. So then my mother gets sick. Here I am, no religion to fall back on and all my faith in the doctors. Until they said those dreadful words, It is terminal and fast moving. Fuck me.... No faith, no help and soon to be no mother. However, my mother had a great faith in God. She accepted it and fought her best and kept her faith in God. I always admired her faith. While mine was withering away, hers always got stronger. Nothing could slow her down. These reasons are the reasons I never told her my true feelings on the faith that we used to share so strongly. I had kept these feelings to myself up until mom died, other than talking to Jack, my old pastor at the time. My friends didn't really know. Kim knew, she saw the changes. But that was about it. So to this day I still get questions about what if Adrien got sick, well I tell them, all of my faith will have to go into the Dr's. To put my faith in the hands of God wouldn't get me very far. I have seen too many people, young and old, taken from this world for no reason. Last year when The Roots came out with their new album, it had a song called Dear God 2.0 on it that i related to a lot. I'm pretty sure Black Thought was on a different page writing it as I was listening to it. I get his message but interpret it another way. The line that I always look back to is this.... "Why is the world ugly when you made it in your image? And why is livin’ life such a fight to the finish?" It makes sense if you really think about it. So for my mom's sake, I hope there is a God. I guess at least it made her feel better about her situation. Which she needed. As for me, I'm still here, doubting the existence of this God. So I hope this explains a little about my situation. I am still very respectful to religious people. I don't want to take God out of everything in this world like some do. This country was founded on, of many things, religious freedom. Which means I have the right to not believe just like anyone else has the right to believe. If Adrien gets to middle school and finds a friend that invites him to church, I won't stop him. I also don't plan on telling him Santa Claus isn't real. Just like I did, I'll let him find out on his own what he wants to believe in.....