First of all, this is mostly about friends and mostly about a side of me that people don't really know. so with that being said...
Things this blog is not:
- A cry for help
- A reason for a pity party
- A reason for you to feel bad for me
- A reason for you to ask me to hang out
- A reason for you to send me a message saying you're here for me
Things this blog is about:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Thoughts of suicide
- Almost attempting suicide
- My lack of friends
- Losing friends
- Knowing how to hide and fake the emotions I really have on the inside
So if none of this appeals to you or you feel the need to do any of the things in the first column, stop reading now. I have dealt with depression for a long time. Since my teen years. Maybe a little earlier. Someone telling you at the age of 10 or 11 that your mother is about to die doesn't settle well. She made it through and I thought all was well. From the ages of 13-19, as I have said before were years of nothing but drugs and alcohol. I only used it to numb the pain I had inside. I didn't know why I had a pain or depression. Maybe it just ran in my family. Either way, the ages of 18-19 I had one friend that I actually hung out with. But right before that he had left and went across the state to attend college. I had no one. I felt alone. I got my brother to buy me pints of liquor and I would sit in my room and drink them straight from the bottle, sometimes the entire bottle. Just to drown my misery. I would pack bowls and tell my parents I was going to go for a walk just to get high and float above the pain I felt within. I've always had friends at places that I have to go to. Like work or friends of friends. But I have never had a friend that I could call on at anytime to say, Hey lets go get a beer or Hey lets go do something. On the inside I dont have the confidence to do that. Not to mention I work 6 days a week and I feel like my day off should be family day and if I choose a friend over my family then I am this terrible person. That if I choose me time over family time I am a bad person. But I die a little on the inside every time I deny myself that option. Since this summer my depression and anxiety levels have sky rocketed. Mostly for reasons I would rather keep to myself. So I tried the whole therapy thing and the entire time I'm sitting on the couch I feel like the Therapist is working around my issues and asking me about other people in my life. When I started, I went down the whole run down and told her my entire past and present and I felt like it was time to talk about my problems. But that didn't work. So I never got to get my feelings out. Around that time Kim went back to school so I stopped going. I still see the lady who works with the medicines in the practice though. So they started me out on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication. The first week or two I felt kind of like I was supposed to feel. I am happy, for the first time in a long time. I have what some people would kill for. A wonderful family, a wife who loves me and a little boy who adores me. But in no time the depression takes back over. I walk around and put on a happy face and go to work and act like this fun, funny easy going guy but all the while all I feel on the inside is pain. Pain from what, I dont know. Pain from losing my mother after her second battle with cancer. Pain from feeling like I have no friends. Pain from having to hide my real emotions. Pain from the issues it causes in my marriage. So recently, we find out that Kim is pregnant again. I'm elated. It keeps me happy for a few days but I'm right back in my slump. I get so depressed that I start thinking about suicide. My wife would be better off without me and I didn't want my son to watch me going in and out of mental hospitals because I couldn't keep my depression or anxiety under control. The doctor I see has gradually raised the dosage of my medications in hopes changes would come from that. The anxiety is under control for the most part but I still feel bouts of that. My depression just goes up and down. One night at work I was having a bad night. I had been really mean to Kim and left for work in a rampage. When I got to work no one would have ever known because I try to keep my emotions separate from work. On the way there I made remarks of committing suicide. Kim did what she knew best to do and called my father and the sheriffs dept. I dont blame her for that. She did what she felt like she needed to do. That night I stayed in a hotel room close to work because I had to work that morning anyways. I got home and Kim and I talked and never came to much of an agreement because I was being to hardheaded and I was letting the depression get the best of me. All of this was just a day or 2 after upping my medications the last time. So that night when I got to work I contemplated again. I had taken too many of my anxiety medications and was feeling like I was in control of myself and could do it. I texted a friend after I "practiced" with a razor blade on the top of my arm. I felt like I needed to figure out how much pressure to apply and on what part of that blade so that I could do maximum damage when I left work and applied the blade to my wrist. The friend I was talking actually talked me out of it and gave me a lot of good advice. I appreciated it very much. This was a friend I was just reconnecting with and the very next day she stopped talking to me and hasn't talked to me since, which threw me in a whirlwind. But what she said stuck and I have just been relying on my wife and child and unborn child to keep me happy. That next day I posted these lyrics on Facebook from Florence + The Machine,
"And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"
I actually felt that way. I felt like I was going to cut this dark and depressed heart out of me and start it all over. The song is right, It's always darkest before its dawn. So now I feel like my sunshine is rising and I am getting better. It took me hitting rock bottom to realize everything I would be throwing away. But I feel like I'm back on the upswing and this higher dosage of antidepressant is working and since Saturday I have been the happiest I have been in a long time. I'll never know if it will come back. But if it does then I will just have to work through it again and again. The hardest part of all of this has been losing my friend. The easiest part has been reconnecting with my family....
