My vent... Have a looksy!

I fell off the wagon. I made it a little over 4 months without tobacco, and I picked it back up. I know what you're thinking. Why would he do that? I have my reasons. First and foremost I was becoming a fat ass. No, its not the old saying you stop smoking and gain weight. I replaced smoking with eating. A lot. A whole whole lot. The first 2 months I was doing great. Wasn't really thinking about it. Well the next 2 months its all I thought about and to keep myself from going back, I ate like a squirrel who lost his nuts during the winter. Snack here, candy bar there and three sodas to top it all off. In the latter months of my venture I gained 20 pounds on the dot. Can someone say fat ass? Reason number 2, I wasn't quitting for myself. I wasn't at the point where I wanted to quit. I was mostly doing it to prove a point to Kim that I could indeed do it to stop her bickering. Which she was and still is in the right for. I know smoking kills. I know smoking causes cancer. I don't need commercials or doctors to tell me that. My grandfather died of lung cancer if I'm not mistaken. It was before i was born, which is why I'm not 100% on that. Sissy could verify it I'm sure. But the point is, I wasn't ready to quit. I was doing it because of other reasons and I didn't have a plan set in place. Like I told Kim tonight, for some reason I'm the person who jumps into the pond head first without checking the depth first. It's a very bad trait. The past couple weeks have been rough for me. I inadvertently ruined a very good friendship, I realized I am very unhealthy and out of shape, I'm not a very caring person, I have a lot of deep issues with my mother passing away that I keep suppressing, and generally I'm not a very happy person anymore. True smoking again isn't going to fix those problems. But realizing my problems and beginning to put a plan in place will. I say I'm not a caring person because I don't feel much anymore. Almost like I'm numb to emotions. You're dog died, that sucks. Steve Jobs died of cancer, yeah, so did my mom. I don't think my emotions are where they need to be. To talk a little about my mother, I loved her more than anything in this world. She was taken away for something she didn't cause. If I get lung cancer, thats my bad. She did nothing to get breast cancer the first time. She did nothing for it to come back 15 years later and riddle her body and turn her into someone who was so helpless it brought me to tears every time I saw her. I make jokes and I make it seem trivial but deep down, I hurt. If there is a God, why my mom? Why Kim's mom? Because you needed them in heaven? For what? We need them here more than you need them there. Adrien needs them both here. To hold him. To hug and kiss him. What about the others in this world that have died from this stupid disease? So when i say fuck cancer, I mean it. It's so unfair and unbiased. So what I'm saying is I have a lot going on in my head right now. So I think I want to fix all my problems for other people. But what I have to realize is I have to do these things for myself. Not to prove a point or make someone else happy. I just had to unload this. I also had to let everyone know I am smoking again because I don't want anyone to think about me still being on the wagon. I fell off and I plan to walk for a little while. Walking is good for me right now.....