The hardest things about being an asshole and teaching your children not to be.

I was raised under the impression to lead by example. I'm not here to put any one person on blast. I'm more here to explain why I become more and more disappointed with the human race. Also why I hope to not pass this on to my son and any other child that we have in the future. My problems here lately aren't with people I don't know but with people that are close to me. I have my people that I am close to and I have the people that I just feel like I grow further away from. It"s a good thing that Adrien isn't old enough to understand this. I just have a lot of hatred building and doesn't seem to be subsiding. As of tomorrow I will have lost the person that I loved more than anything a year ago to the day and instead of thinking about the good times we had together all I can seem to think about is the blatant disregard for family bond that I am beginning to see get worse as time goes on. There is a lot going on in my family right now that I don't have necessarily have much control over. I was actually told by a family member a few days ago, I hope to see Adrien soon. Am I the only person that can drive to see my family? I mean shit, Durham is close to 30 miles away from me. Why am I the only person that I can drive for you to see a child you are supposed to love? This doesn't go for all of my family in Durham or Hillsborough, I know you guys do all you can and I do the same. Other side of the family guys. Also I see a person that didn't do much for me as a child struggling and I feel like I am the only person trying to help them out. I think deep down I do love this person and I can't see them fall flat on their face and I will do whatever I can to see that they make it. I see a person that I don't have a normal relationship with becoming more distant. The worst part of that is the blame seems to be put on me and my wife. Which is completely unfair. The difference is, as Kim calls it, I'm more of a peacemaker. But that trait is traveling more and more away and the true asshole side of me is coming out. I'm fed up. Are we not important enough for you? Does our time schedule just not fit with yours? Do you think you are better than us? These are things we feel. Like I said I'm not here to put anyone on blast. They know who they are. So if I'm feeling this way, how years from now can I not pass this on to my children? How do I teach them to turn the other cheek when I can't even do it anymore? I'm pretty sure times will be a lot more trying for them at that point. I will try to teach them family is the most important thing they can lean on. I've always told myself I will be a better father than mine was and a better husband than he was. So hopefully I can teach my children to let things roll off their shoulders. Maybe with all of this they will learn family should be number 1. You can't always trust your friends, or acquantices to have your back but you can hopefully fall back on your family. At least this family in this household. Friends come and go, another reason I'm becoming numb to some of the people around me. One instance in particular, I asked one good friend a simple request. In return I got a very unwarming reply and have not spoken to that person since. So why should I be the nice one and try anymore? Why can't I just be the asshole and say fuck it, you want to act like that, fuck it. I do however have a lot of friends that I have made over the years that I know will always be here for me and that i appreciate more than anything. I know this is a lot of ranting and raving. But what I'm really getting at is I hope to not pass my flaws off to my son. Hopefully he has confidence in his family and friends and never has to go through the situations I do. But knows he will always have the love and affection he deserves. He is perfect in every way and I can only hope to pass on to him the virtues my mother instilled in me. If this offends anyone, get the fuck over it. Or try to fix whats broken. Although I'm at my wits end so it won't be easy.