Why can't we all just get over ourselves and value love and not hate?

I feel like everyday I wake up and I see something on the news that makes me stop and think. Whether its some sort of Gay Rights Activists, NAACP or even Religious protestors. If everyone in this world would get over their prejudices and what their books tell them, this would be a much happier world to live in. First I'll touch on the issue of being Gay or being a Lesbian. What's the big deal really? Just because the book that you believe tells you its wrong, you should go against the book you believe in and hate these people. Personally, I have no problem at all with it. I have friends that are homosexual and guess what? They're pretty normal. Just like you and me. They prefer something other than you. You may prefer yellow onions while I prefer to use sweet onions in a recipe. Does that mean because your cookbook calls for yellow, I'm wrong for using a Vidalia? Get over it. Everyone in this world should learn equality and put it in their everyday life. So what if they want to get married. Why shouldn't they be able to? They have the right to get a driver's license or become a doctor or pay the same taxes as you do or be able to be on the same healthcare plan, but you want to deny them the simple act of saying their partner is their husband or wife? It just doesn't make sense to me. My next topic is racism. Did you know most racist are also bible believing christians? Which doesn't make sense to me. The way I understand it, God created Adam and Eve and everyone in this world came from them. Incest is an issue here with me, but I'm not going to touch that.... So if this entity that you believe in, created all humans the same, why can't we just be the same? Why does color have to be an issue? You think I don't know about prejudice because I'm white? Ask my Grandmother about the night the Germans stormed into her home and tore her from her family, to never see them again when Germany invaded Poland. Ask her about how she "worked" for German families whether she liked it or not. Ask her about how she met my Grandfather in a German work camp for "Polaks" that were similar to concentration camps for the Jews, less killing though I assume. FYI, for anyone who doesn't know, calling someone a Polak is just like calling a black person the N word... So get off that shit.... So what I'm getting at here is its sad that a country that was founded on freedom, cannot free itself from hate. Be it race, religion, beliefs or anything else. When slaves were freed, people were outraged. When schools were integrated, people were outraged. All because of someone's skin color. I don't see color myself. I see people. I see a person for who or what they are. So why is it so hard for everyone else to do the same. Now the next thing I will touch on is religious beliefs. Whether you're Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, Jewish, Taoist, Dudeist or any other entity or lack there of that I have forgotten, can't we all just get along? Now I will say this, the extremists can go the fuck on. Like people who want to bomb abortion clinics and blow up America as a whole. You people are ridiculous. To me you are going against everything you believe in. Like when the Muslims wanted to build a Mosque in NYC, people were outraged. I'm pretty sure they weren't doing it to, as what you all called it, slap 9/11 victims and families in the face. Christians aren't wanting to keep God in everything he has always been in just to piss off Atheists. Its called believing and having faith in something and valuing it and keeping it sacred to oneself. I have a lot of beliefs that I won't particularly get into as to not cause a commotion. Some of these beliefs are about the very subjects I just talked about. But it doesn't stop me from loving everyone for who they are or even what they could be.

Equality is the soul of liberty; there is, in fact, no liberty without it.
-Frances Wright

What happens when you fall asleep on the job.. The baby watching job.

Yes, I will admit it. I have fallen asleep a couple times while watching Adrien. Its hard not to sometimes. Working 40 hours a week, 6 days a week and watching Adrien from the time he gets up until its time to go to work takes a toll on me when it comes to sleeping. So it has never been a problem until the last two times it has happened. Before I don't even think he realized what was going on. Its never more than 10 or 15 minutes, But after these last two times, it probably won't happen again. I say this because I'm pretty sure he plots to kill me when I do fall asleep. So the first time was 2 weeks ago. We were playing with his big green ball, just tossing it back and forth. I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch and I decided he had gotten bored with that because he got up and went into his play room. I could hear hit sit on his little zebra thing and start playing. So I stood up and sat on the couch. Feet on the floor still and I just kind of laid over. I can assume it was only about 5 mins later because the same show was on when I was awakened. Thats the best part is he woke me up. So I assume he came back into the living room ready to play ball again to find his daddy snoozing on the couch. So how does he wake me up? By hitting me in the face with the ball. For anyone who hasn't seen him throw his ball i will explain how he does it. So he takes the ball in both hands and brings it behind his head and throws it. Well when the ball hit me and I woke up, he was standing directly in front of me. So really, the ball probably never even left his hands. Its too bad there wasn't a camera running because that would have made a great youtube video. "Boy hits dad in face with ball to wake him up". So after this time I told myself not to do it again. Well last week I let it happen again. What was I thinking? So Sesame Street was on and we were playing and acting silly. Well as always, Elmo was coming on and he stopped dead in his tracks and sat to watch. I proceeded to just lay back on the couch for those few minutes because I always lay him down at 11 for his nap. So I'm laying there and I can remember right at the end of Elmo the song being sang. So I know this time I was only asleep for maybe 2 minutes. So I had been having a problem with snoring the past couple weeks because I had been fighting a cold, so I can only assume that I was snoring and this is what provoked what happened next. My head was laying facing out towards him. I wake up, Adrien's face is literally touching mine. I can hear like a muffled giggle and thats when I wake up enough to realize that his pursed lips are inside of my mouth. He is laughing like crazy and I'm just like wtf is going on here. I felt like a baby and a cat was trying to lick the milk off my breath and kill me. My son was trying to steal my breath. Doesn't he know all he has to do be his cute self for that to happen? I guess not. So after these two instances I really hope that I can hold it together in the mornings and make it to his nap time so I don't get hit in the face with a ball or wake up to my son trying to kill me. I hope this makes you laugh as much as it made Kim and I laugh. No more sleeping on the job for me.... Booooo to that!

Life as a retail associate... sometimes really sucks.

So out of the past 10 years that I have been working, almost 8 of those have been in retail. So I guess you could say I know the ins and the outs and the good and the bad. The first thing you should know, if you don't already is that when you are "welcomed" to the store, its because the company is making us. I prefer a nice, "Hi, how are you doing today". Saying Welcome to Blah Blah sounds way to generic. But studies in the company show that people prefer that more. Studies in California also show that pretty sure anything there is in this world, will give you cancer. So I'll let you decide.. There are good days, there are bad days and then there are just plain shitty days. Or rather I should say nights. Which is when I get all the disgruntled employees who have just left their job and are on a rampage. So my first topic I'd like to touch on is, in a Pharmacy, there is what we call a Front End and then there is a Pharmacy. Most people don't understand this concept. Therefore there is a Store Manager/Shift Supervisor and then there is a Pharmacy Manager. This is the biggest misconception I deal with. When a customer comes and complains to me, I kindly tell them that if he is working, that all complaints should be directed to the pharmacy manager. But no, its too much for them to walk back there, even though they are about to pick up their rx and look directly at said pharmacy manager and complain to him about his associates. The only thing I have to do with the pharmacy is counting their tills at the end of their shift and occasionally helping them locate an item, which I happen to be damn good at. So that brings me to my next topic, me asking if you if you need help finding something. Asking someone if they need help, they reply no, and then proceed to ask me where to find this item brings me to a spot I don't like to go too often. That spot is the pissed off zone. But what is even worse is being called a racist for asking someone if they need help. Yes, I said it, a racist. The first time it happened a black lady comes in, asks where the perms are and I respond, aisle 2 which is where the ethnic hair care is. She called me a racist for sending a black woman to the ethnic hair care section. I just work there, i don't make the decision to keep it separate. The second time it happened with a black gentleman who I kindly asked if he needed help location anything. He responded with no, I think I got it. No biggie right? Well a white woman came in right after him whom I welcomed to the store with no response, not even an acknowledgment. So when he comes up to check out he proceeds to call me a racist because I asked him if he needed help but didn't ask the white lady. To me, I was actually for once trying to give good customer service to someone who deserved it over someone who didn't and got called a racist. Fail.... Anyways so my next topic would have to be, just because I work in a pharmacy doesn't mean I'm a licensed doctor. So my advice is just that, advice. Most of the time I just send them straight to the pharmacist. Next would be the gentlemen, usually older white men and middle aged black men who feel like if they slam the pen into the sigcap (debit/credit card machine) that it will make it work better. At best it is doing nothing but making the machine perform less and making me more annoyed. I mean every one that I have ever used, i use my finger and it works perfectly. Maybe slamming the pen into the screen makes them feel more manly, but usually just makes them look dumb because it doesn't work 9 times out of 10. So the final topic I want to touch on is, neatness of putting products back on the shelf. I have worked there long enough and considering I straighten every single night, I can tell what had been shopped and what people just throw back on the shelf knocking 6-7 other items over to you. Yes it seems easier, on you, but makes my work harder as I have to make this look good every night in case the usual district or corporate visitor comes though the next day. So when I come to a section that looks like the aftermath of the Haiti earthquakes I get a little pissed off. But what pisses me off even more is when someone is on the same aisle as I am, sees me doing my thing, and continually knocks shit off the shelf and just throws it back anywhere they see fit. Thats when I want to smack a bitch. Like sometimes I actually daydream of going to the people who do these things places of work and just throwing shit I find all over the place. Kicking a trashcan. Going to their bathroom and pissing on the floor. Lots of things really. These are just a few items that I really dislike about my job. Don't get me wrong, there are customers that when I get to see it brings a smile to my face and I chat with them and shoot the shit with some of them. But there are actually some customers that, well, I run from. So they don't bother the living fuck out of me. Ohh yeah and for you couponers out there, just make sure you have you're shit together. I'm all for saving some money. But don't tell me I'm wrong when I read you company policy after you rant off some shit you read on the internet. I could find plenty of dumb shit on there within 30 seconds that is wrong but could swear to you that just because I read it, its true. So hopefully this rant doesn't offend anyone. Maybe it makes someone realize, hey maybe I should be more careful while shopping. Or maybe to some it makes you want to come into my store and knock shit off the shelf and laugh to your buddies about it. To you, I say, Fuck you sir/ma'am and have a shitty day/night.


So I must have bad karma rolling with me. I posted this up last night and I had one of the worst nights ever tonight. Like 7 or 8 little ass cunt teenagers come and just wreak havoc all over the store. I heard them as soon as they walked in and knew there was a situation in the making. So first they start playing with the big rubber play balls, which one accidentally hit me. Like, at this point I'm just telling myself to take deep breaths. I was about to go Walter Sobjack in this mother fucker. Like they were over the line and I was ready to pull a loaded pistol to make sure it was marked a zero. But I went more with The Dude and just took deep breaths and went with the china man just peed on my rug, which really tied the room together, man. So I keep my cool. Then I hear them over by the condoms and lube playing and acting really immature and what have you. At one point I hear the other shift supervisor ask one of the girls if they had just knocked something off the shelf to which she replied, no, but I will pick it up. You're god damned right you will. So the finally leave and all is back to normal. So I think. Until we see the messes they have made and the snow globe they wrapped a condom around. Like what is wrong with teenagers these days? When I was that age I was out smoking dope and drinking liquor. I didn't have time to go play in pharmacies and act like douchebags. So hopefully I have no more bad karma and my days in retail get better and never have another one of these. Stupid little ass cunts.... Sorry just had to say it one more time.

How I went from a believer to a nonbeliever...

So I was baptized somewhere around the age of 5 or 6 or something like that. I went to church before then, I had an idea of what I was doing. I kept going to church and learned a little more the next couple of years after it. Then there were some unfortunate circumstances in the family and we stopped going to church. At this time I was in 4th maybe 5th grade. So for a year or two I didn't go to church, which at this age I didn't really think much about it. It just meant more fun on Sunday's. So I started middle school and made a new friend. She eventually invited me to church, I agreed and this began many years of this being my second home. I learned the ups and downs of being a christian. There are lots of questions a teenager can ask and many answers to be handed down to this individual. Therefore I was at church every sunday morning and night and every wednesday. I can't say I ever really changed my ways through my teens. I started smoking pot when I was 13 and was drunk for the first time that same year. But even after cussing all week, drinking most nights and smoking all week, I was still at church when I could be. All because I believed in what I was hearing. It sounded so good. You sin, God forgives you and then all is well right? Not quite. When you get older you get smarter, or dumber, polls are still out on that. But your brain doesn't work the same way it used to. You see more of the world through an adults eyes than you do a teenager or adolescent eyes. The world seems perfect when you're younger. Its not until you get older that you see how wrong and grimy it can really be. So the drinking and drugs went on pretty heavily until I was about 19. I figured it was about time to stop (kind of) and I was even closer to God at that point in my life. I went on summer mission trips called World Changers for four years. The first two years I saw a lot of great things happen there. You go and work on people's houses who need it badly during the day, then praise Jesus a lot at night. Some of my dearest friends I have met through those summers. Well something clicked between the 2nd and 3rd years that I went. I didn't know what it was. It wasn't long after my realization that I wasn't really living right. But I started having more questions and was getting less answers. The next couple years I went through life thinking that for some reason God had given up on me. I sinned too much and he was tired of forgiving. I know what you're saying... God is always forgiving and will always be there for you. Will he though? So then I started thinking, ok, so if everyone gets forgiveness then what is wrong with this picture? Thieves, rapists, child molesters, murderers... These people are forgiven too? Really? You've got to be kidding? But people always say these people are going to hell where they belong, right? Well according to the Bible, no, if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior then their sins are washed clean. My mind goes straight to the you've got to be fucking kidding me zone. (yes I actually have one of those.) So there I am, early twenties and completely turned off by this Christianity situation. Its not that I stopped believing in God at that point, it was more, I don't want to be in the same heaven as these people. More time went by and I slowly started separating myself from church. The further I got, the less I believed there was a God. So then my mother gets sick. Here I am, no religion to fall back on and all my faith in the doctors. Until they said those dreadful words, It is terminal and fast moving. Fuck me.... No faith, no help and soon to be no mother. However, my mother had a great faith in God. She accepted it and fought her best and kept her faith in God. I always admired her faith. While mine was withering away, hers always got stronger. Nothing could slow her down. These reasons are the reasons I never told her my true feelings on the faith that we used to share so strongly. I had kept these feelings to myself up until mom died, other than talking to Jack, my old pastor at the time. My friends didn't really know. Kim knew, she saw the changes. But that was about it. So to this day I still get questions about what if Adrien got sick, well I tell them, all of my faith will have to go into the Dr's. To put my faith in the hands of God wouldn't get me very far. I have seen too many people, young and old, taken from this world for no reason. Last year when The Roots came out with their new album, it had a song called Dear God 2.0 on it that i related to a lot. I'm pretty sure Black Thought was on a different page writing it as I was listening to it. I get his message but interpret it another way. The line that I always look back to is this.... "Why is the world ugly when you made it in your image? And why is livin’ life such a fight to the finish?" It makes sense if you really think about it. So for my mom's sake, I hope there is a God. I guess at least it made her feel better about her situation. Which she needed. As for me, I'm still here, doubting the existence of this God. So I hope this explains a little about my situation. I am still very respectful to religious people. I don't want to take God out of everything in this world like some do. This country was founded on, of many things, religious freedom. Which means I have the right to not believe just like anyone else has the right to believe. If Adrien gets to middle school and finds a friend that invites him to church, I won't stop him. I also don't plan on telling him Santa Claus isn't real. Just like I did, I'll let him find out on his own what he wants to believe in.....

What's harder than quitting smoking you ask? Quitting cussing...

Vernacular, do you know what that means? One of the definitions is using plain, everyday, ordinary language. So you could say curse words are part of my vernacular. Part of my language. I can remember cussing as far back as the third grade. Thats not my way of bragging or anything, my language is nothing to brag about. But actually trying to quit cussing would leave me, well, speechless. Usually the first and last words in my day are fuck. I hear Adrien calling out from in his room, look over at the clock and see 6:04, said it. I lay down after being home with Adrien all day, with no naps mind you, then working till 10 and I look at the clock and see that its now 11:39, said it. Not writing it is pretty simple. I let a few go while typing on here or on Facebook, but usually I try not to broadcast it. But you get around me and at least 6 words out of 10 will be swear words. I'm not sure who I got it from exactly. I can remember Mama telling me one Sunday after church when I laid down for a nap she could hear me saying something. As she got closer to my room she realized what it was, the F word. She says she asked where I had heard such a word and my reply was school. I was in kindergarten at the time. How did I hear it there? Who really even knows.... So anyways, I try my best to not say these words in front of Adrien but one slips every once in a while. Nothing bad. But still not good. But when he isn't around, they fly like birds in the sky. The f-bomb is dropped the most. Then comes GD. Which I don't necessarily believe in God so using His name in vain doesn't affect me like it does most. Shit is a pretty common one. Whether its "Kim, Adrien shit his pants and I'm pretty sure its your turn to change it" or "You've got to be shitting me", it can come in different forms. Ass and damn are also the most frequently. I use these words in everyday conversation with people and don't think twice about it. However, I never use them in front of my elders, children and I try really hard not to let them go in front of truly religious people as to not offend them. Some of you may be appalled by this post. Some of you may be the same way. Either way, as the title claims, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to quit doing. There have been instances where as I am proclaiming no more cussing, I say a cuss word in the same sentence. How does one stop cussing? Does the dime in the jar for each one really work? Someone would surely get rich off of me and the bank would have to keep a constant flow of dime rolls coming my way. What else could work? Do you have suggestions? If so I would love to hear them. Until next time, take care and be good folks. See I could've used a different F word there at the end....






PS- I totally forgot about the word bitch. But all you really need to know about that is I never called my mother a bitch, Ive never called my wife a bitch and anyone else is pretty much fair game....

The hardest things about being an asshole and teaching your children not to be.

I was raised under the impression to lead by example. I'm not here to put any one person on blast. I'm more here to explain why I become more and more disappointed with the human race. Also why I hope to not pass this on to my son and any other child that we have in the future. My problems here lately aren't with people I don't know but with people that are close to me. I have my people that I am close to and I have the people that I just feel like I grow further away from. It"s a good thing that Adrien isn't old enough to understand this. I just have a lot of hatred building and doesn't seem to be subsiding. As of tomorrow I will have lost the person that I loved more than anything a year ago to the day and instead of thinking about the good times we had together all I can seem to think about is the blatant disregard for family bond that I am beginning to see get worse as time goes on. There is a lot going on in my family right now that I don't have necessarily have much control over. I was actually told by a family member a few days ago, I hope to see Adrien soon. Am I the only person that can drive to see my family? I mean shit, Durham is close to 30 miles away from me. Why am I the only person that I can drive for you to see a child you are supposed to love? This doesn't go for all of my family in Durham or Hillsborough, I know you guys do all you can and I do the same. Other side of the family guys. Also I see a person that didn't do much for me as a child struggling and I feel like I am the only person trying to help them out. I think deep down I do love this person and I can't see them fall flat on their face and I will do whatever I can to see that they make it. I see a person that I don't have a normal relationship with becoming more distant. The worst part of that is the blame seems to be put on me and my wife. Which is completely unfair. The difference is, as Kim calls it, I'm more of a peacemaker. But that trait is traveling more and more away and the true asshole side of me is coming out. I'm fed up. Are we not important enough for you? Does our time schedule just not fit with yours? Do you think you are better than us? These are things we feel. Like I said I'm not here to put anyone on blast. They know who they are. So if I'm feeling this way, how years from now can I not pass this on to my children? How do I teach them to turn the other cheek when I can't even do it anymore? I'm pretty sure times will be a lot more trying for them at that point. I will try to teach them family is the most important thing they can lean on. I've always told myself I will be a better father than mine was and a better husband than he was. So hopefully I can teach my children to let things roll off their shoulders. Maybe with all of this they will learn family should be number 1. You can't always trust your friends, or acquantices to have your back but you can hopefully fall back on your family. At least this family in this household. Friends come and go, another reason I'm becoming numb to some of the people around me. One instance in particular, I asked one good friend a simple request. In return I got a very unwarming reply and have not spoken to that person since. So why should I be the nice one and try anymore? Why can't I just be the asshole and say fuck it, you want to act like that, fuck it. I do however have a lot of friends that I have made over the years that I know will always be here for me and that i appreciate more than anything. I know this is a lot of ranting and raving. But what I'm really getting at is I hope to not pass my flaws off to my son. Hopefully he has confidence in his family and friends and never has to go through the situations I do. But knows he will always have the love and affection he deserves. He is perfect in every way and I can only hope to pass on to him the virtues my mother instilled in me. If this offends anyone, get the fuck over it. Or try to fix whats broken. Although I'm at my wits end so it won't be easy.

Just a quick question...

Who is viewing this from Germany and Russia? Because whoever you are, your are the shit. Comment or send me a message on Facebook. It's pretty awesome I must say. But would be even more awesome if I knew who you were. And to everyone else who follows and reads, thank you also. I'm willing to write about anything really so I would love feedback or if there is something you would like me to blog about. I would super enjoy suggestions. Believe me when I say this, anything you want to heard, I'm willing to write about it. Thanks for all your support.


AJ