No really, why am I the only one that gets spit up on all the time?!?!?

So I had this problem when Adrien was born where I was the only person to ever get spit up on. The time my mother was alive she never got it. My dad never got it. Kim's family never got it. Hell Kim rarely got it. Now with Eevie, I guess I had forgotten the pattern. I mean Kim nurses and burps, minimal spit up. Kim nurses and I burp, spit up all over the burp cloth, all over my shirt and occasionally my shorts. How am I this unlucky? It's not so much a problem to Eevie. She just does it and smiles at me, just like Adrien did. Why was I not more prepared? How come I didn't think ahead and keep a hazmat suit lying around for burping? It doesn't even have to be burping either... Changing diapers I get projectile spit up on me and then laughed at. I kid you not, I have to change shirts at least 3-4 times a day. Unless I'm not going anywhere. Then I just smell it and if it doesn't smell sour, I just let it dry... Don't judge. Oh the things you do as a parent. All this to say, it's really hard to keep a little girl looking super cute when you have to keep a bib on her to keep her outfits clean.... It's all just one big damn spit up conspiracy in this household I tell ya!

I've seen plenty of sunrises and sunsets in my day....

So here we are, 30. Nice to meet you. Who would've thought we would've ever met? I know for a fact that I have almost sold myself short several times from meeting you. But, I made it to 30, have been with my wife for almost 7 years, been married for a little over 5 and a half years, my son is 3 and a half years old and now I have a 2 month old daughter. Who the hell saw that coming 10 years ago? ::raises hand:: Not I, that's for sure. I've had my share of a life in 30 years. My parents split and then got back together. My mom got cancer twice. Beating it once and losing the battle the second time. I've checked myself into a mental health facility for being suicidal. I've battled addictions. I've loved and I've lost. But all in all, I've made it 30 years. I've had the opportunity to stay home with my son and now sent him off to preschool. I'm now getting the same opportunity to do the same with my daughter. I wouldn't trade any of that or this for the world. But do you ever wonder what makes up a full and complete life? If I died today, could I say I have lived my life to the fullest and was it complete? Obviously the first no comes to leaving 2 small children and a wife behind. But the question I ponder most, have I actually impacted lives.... Be it good or bad. I can't think of any instances where I was astonishingly overcome by feeling like I have. So where does that leave me? Do I have another 30 years to do so? I'm sure I will have an impact on my children's lives in some way. Hopefully good and not bad. But will there be anyone else? It isn't something that keeps me up at night. I'm not worried if I don't impact your life, but I'm sure its a good feeling. But how do we know? I'm not much of a christian anymore so its not like I plan on getting up in front of a podium anytime soon to give my testimony. I don't even think I have had my AH-HA moment. Hell, I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. I can tell you that I am a great father, an awesome husband and I love a cold beer. I also can make some mean mashed potatoes but thats just if you're asking me..... So I guess I have 5 more years to really figure a lot of things out. Eevie will be in school by then and I will have no other option but to figure out what to do or who to impact or where my life will go from that point on. So I guess here's to waiting until I'm 35 to fully understanding and completely figuring my life's dreams and goals. This isn't much of a post I know, but hell, its my first one in 9 months or so. Hopefully I can get back into it. I like "blogging" about real life shit. Maybe my next one will be tomorrow about why I'm the only one in the house who gets spit up on and has to change their shirt 3-4 times in a day. Or maybe it will be next week about how lonely those 3 hours of not hearing Adrien's voice are. Either way, I hope to keep them going.

The life most of you don't know I live on the inside...

First of all, this is mostly about friends and mostly about a side of me that people don't really know. so with that being said...

Things this blog is not:
- A cry for help
- A reason for a pity party
- A reason for you to feel bad for me
- A reason for you to ask me to hang out
- A reason for you to send me a message saying you're here for me


Things this blog is about:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Thoughts of suicide
- Almost attempting suicide
- My lack of friends
- Losing friends
- Knowing how to hide and fake the emotions I really have on the inside


So if none of this appeals to you or you feel the need to do any of the things in the first column, stop reading now. I have dealt with depression for a long time. Since my teen years. Maybe a little earlier. Someone telling you at the age of 10 or 11 that your mother is about to die doesn't settle well. She made it through and I thought all was well. From the ages of 13-19, as I have said before were years of nothing but drugs and alcohol. I only used it to numb the pain I had inside. I didn't know why I had a pain or depression. Maybe it just ran in my family. Either way, the ages of 18-19 I had one friend that I actually hung out with. But right before that he had left and went across the state to attend college. I had  no one. I felt alone. I got my brother to buy me pints of liquor and I would sit in my room and drink them straight from the bottle, sometimes the entire bottle. Just to drown my misery. I would pack bowls and tell my parents I was going to go for a walk just to get high and float above the pain I felt within. I've always had friends at places that I have to go to. Like work or friends of friends. But I have never had a friend that I could call on at anytime to say, Hey lets go get a beer or Hey lets go do something. On the inside I dont have the confidence to do that. Not to mention I work 6 days a week and I feel like my day off should be family day and if I choose a friend over my family then I am this terrible person. That if I choose me time over family time I am a bad person. But I die a little on the inside every time I deny myself that option. Since this summer my depression and anxiety levels have sky rocketed. Mostly for reasons I would rather keep to myself. So I tried the whole therapy thing and the entire time I'm sitting on the couch I feel like the Therapist is working around my issues and asking me about other people in my life. When I started, I went down the whole run down and told her my entire past and present and I felt like it was time to talk about my problems. But that didn't work. So I never got to get my feelings out. Around that time Kim went back to school so I stopped going. I still see the lady who works with the medicines in the practice though. So they started me out on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication. The first week or two I felt kind of like I was supposed to feel. I am happy, for the first time in a long time. I have what some people would kill for. A wonderful family, a wife who loves me and a little boy who adores me. But in no time the depression takes back over. I walk around and put on a happy face and go to work and act like this fun, funny easy going guy but all the while all I feel on the inside is pain. Pain from what, I dont know. Pain from losing my mother after her second battle with cancer. Pain from feeling like I have no friends. Pain from having to hide my real emotions. Pain from the issues it causes in my marriage. So recently, we find out that Kim is pregnant again. I'm elated. It keeps me happy for a few days but I'm right back in my slump. I get so depressed that I start thinking about suicide. My wife would be better off without me and I didn't want my son to watch me going in and out of mental hospitals because I couldn't keep my depression or anxiety under control. The doctor I see has gradually raised the dosage of my medications in hopes changes would come from that. The anxiety is under control for the most part but I still feel bouts of that. My depression just goes up and down. One night at work I was having a bad night. I had been really mean to Kim and left for work in a rampage. When I got to work no one would have ever known because I try to keep my emotions separate from work. On the way there I made remarks of committing suicide. Kim did what she knew best to do and called my father and the sheriffs dept. I dont blame her for that. She did what she felt like she needed to do. That night I stayed in a hotel room close to work because I had to work that morning anyways. I got home and Kim and I talked and never came to much of an agreement because I was being to hardheaded and I was letting the depression get the best of me. All of this was just a day or 2 after upping my medications the last time. So that night when I got to work I contemplated again. I had taken too many of my anxiety medications and was feeling like I was in control of myself and could do it. I texted a friend after I "practiced" with a razor blade on the top of my arm. I felt like I needed to figure out how much pressure to apply and on what part of that blade so that I could do maximum damage when I left work and applied the blade to my wrist. The friend I was talking actually talked me out of it and gave me a lot of good advice. I appreciated it very much. This was a friend I was just reconnecting with and the very next day she stopped talking to me and hasn't talked to me since, which threw me in a whirlwind. But what she said stuck and I have just been relying on my wife and child and unborn child to keep me happy. That next day I posted these lyrics on Facebook from Florence + The Machine,

"And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"

I actually felt that way. I felt like I was going to cut this dark and depressed heart out of me and start it all over. The song is right, It's always darkest before its dawn. So now I feel like my sunshine is rising and I am getting better. It took me hitting rock bottom to realize everything I would be throwing away. But I feel like I'm back on the upswing and this higher dosage of antidepressant is working and since Saturday I have been the happiest I have been in a long time. I'll never know if it will come back. But if it does then I will just have to work through it again and again. The hardest part of all of this has been losing my friend. The easiest part has been reconnecting with my family....

Why can't we all just get over ourselves and value love and not hate?

I feel like everyday I wake up and I see something on the news that makes me stop and think. Whether its some sort of Gay Rights Activists, NAACP or even Religious protestors. If everyone in this world would get over their prejudices and what their books tell them, this would be a much happier world to live in. First I'll touch on the issue of being Gay or being a Lesbian. What's the big deal really? Just because the book that you believe tells you its wrong, you should go against the book you believe in and hate these people. Personally, I have no problem at all with it. I have friends that are homosexual and guess what? They're pretty normal. Just like you and me. They prefer something other than you. You may prefer yellow onions while I prefer to use sweet onions in a recipe. Does that mean because your cookbook calls for yellow, I'm wrong for using a Vidalia? Get over it. Everyone in this world should learn equality and put it in their everyday life. So what if they want to get married. Why shouldn't they be able to? They have the right to get a driver's license or become a doctor or pay the same taxes as you do or be able to be on the same healthcare plan, but you want to deny them the simple act of saying their partner is their husband or wife? It just doesn't make sense to me. My next topic is racism. Did you know most racist are also bible believing christians? Which doesn't make sense to me. The way I understand it, God created Adam and Eve and everyone in this world came from them. Incest is an issue here with me, but I'm not going to touch that.... So if this entity that you believe in, created all humans the same, why can't we just be the same? Why does color have to be an issue? You think I don't know about prejudice because I'm white? Ask my Grandmother about the night the Germans stormed into her home and tore her from her family, to never see them again when Germany invaded Poland. Ask her about how she "worked" for German families whether she liked it or not. Ask her about how she met my Grandfather in a German work camp for "Polaks" that were similar to concentration camps for the Jews, less killing though I assume. FYI, for anyone who doesn't know, calling someone a Polak is just like calling a black person the N word... So get off that shit.... So what I'm getting at here is its sad that a country that was founded on freedom, cannot free itself from hate. Be it race, religion, beliefs or anything else. When slaves were freed, people were outraged. When schools were integrated, people were outraged. All because of someone's skin color. I don't see color myself. I see people. I see a person for who or what they are. So why is it so hard for everyone else to do the same. Now the next thing I will touch on is religious beliefs. Whether you're Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, Jewish, Taoist, Dudeist or any other entity or lack there of that I have forgotten, can't we all just get along? Now I will say this, the extremists can go the fuck on. Like people who want to bomb abortion clinics and blow up America as a whole. You people are ridiculous. To me you are going against everything you believe in. Like when the Muslims wanted to build a Mosque in NYC, people were outraged. I'm pretty sure they weren't doing it to, as what you all called it, slap 9/11 victims and families in the face. Christians aren't wanting to keep God in everything he has always been in just to piss off Atheists. Its called believing and having faith in something and valuing it and keeping it sacred to oneself. I have a lot of beliefs that I won't particularly get into as to not cause a commotion. Some of these beliefs are about the very subjects I just talked about. But it doesn't stop me from loving everyone for who they are or even what they could be.

Equality is the soul of liberty; there is, in fact, no liberty without it.
-Frances Wright

What happens when you fall asleep on the job.. The baby watching job.

Yes, I will admit it. I have fallen asleep a couple times while watching Adrien. Its hard not to sometimes. Working 40 hours a week, 6 days a week and watching Adrien from the time he gets up until its time to go to work takes a toll on me when it comes to sleeping. So it has never been a problem until the last two times it has happened. Before I don't even think he realized what was going on. Its never more than 10 or 15 minutes, But after these last two times, it probably won't happen again. I say this because I'm pretty sure he plots to kill me when I do fall asleep. So the first time was 2 weeks ago. We were playing with his big green ball, just tossing it back and forth. I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch and I decided he had gotten bored with that because he got up and went into his play room. I could hear hit sit on his little zebra thing and start playing. So I stood up and sat on the couch. Feet on the floor still and I just kind of laid over. I can assume it was only about 5 mins later because the same show was on when I was awakened. Thats the best part is he woke me up. So I assume he came back into the living room ready to play ball again to find his daddy snoozing on the couch. So how does he wake me up? By hitting me in the face with the ball. For anyone who hasn't seen him throw his ball i will explain how he does it. So he takes the ball in both hands and brings it behind his head and throws it. Well when the ball hit me and I woke up, he was standing directly in front of me. So really, the ball probably never even left his hands. Its too bad there wasn't a camera running because that would have made a great youtube video. "Boy hits dad in face with ball to wake him up". So after this time I told myself not to do it again. Well last week I let it happen again. What was I thinking? So Sesame Street was on and we were playing and acting silly. Well as always, Elmo was coming on and he stopped dead in his tracks and sat to watch. I proceeded to just lay back on the couch for those few minutes because I always lay him down at 11 for his nap. So I'm laying there and I can remember right at the end of Elmo the song being sang. So I know this time I was only asleep for maybe 2 minutes. So I had been having a problem with snoring the past couple weeks because I had been fighting a cold, so I can only assume that I was snoring and this is what provoked what happened next. My head was laying facing out towards him. I wake up, Adrien's face is literally touching mine. I can hear like a muffled giggle and thats when I wake up enough to realize that his pursed lips are inside of my mouth. He is laughing like crazy and I'm just like wtf is going on here. I felt like a baby and a cat was trying to lick the milk off my breath and kill me. My son was trying to steal my breath. Doesn't he know all he has to do be his cute self for that to happen? I guess not. So after these two instances I really hope that I can hold it together in the mornings and make it to his nap time so I don't get hit in the face with a ball or wake up to my son trying to kill me. I hope this makes you laugh as much as it made Kim and I laugh. No more sleeping on the job for me.... Booooo to that!

Life as a retail associate... sometimes really sucks.

So out of the past 10 years that I have been working, almost 8 of those have been in retail. So I guess you could say I know the ins and the outs and the good and the bad. The first thing you should know, if you don't already is that when you are "welcomed" to the store, its because the company is making us. I prefer a nice, "Hi, how are you doing today". Saying Welcome to Blah Blah sounds way to generic. But studies in the company show that people prefer that more. Studies in California also show that pretty sure anything there is in this world, will give you cancer. So I'll let you decide.. There are good days, there are bad days and then there are just plain shitty days. Or rather I should say nights. Which is when I get all the disgruntled employees who have just left their job and are on a rampage. So my first topic I'd like to touch on is, in a Pharmacy, there is what we call a Front End and then there is a Pharmacy. Most people don't understand this concept. Therefore there is a Store Manager/Shift Supervisor and then there is a Pharmacy Manager. This is the biggest misconception I deal with. When a customer comes and complains to me, I kindly tell them that if he is working, that all complaints should be directed to the pharmacy manager. But no, its too much for them to walk back there, even though they are about to pick up their rx and look directly at said pharmacy manager and complain to him about his associates. The only thing I have to do with the pharmacy is counting their tills at the end of their shift and occasionally helping them locate an item, which I happen to be damn good at. So that brings me to my next topic, me asking if you if you need help finding something. Asking someone if they need help, they reply no, and then proceed to ask me where to find this item brings me to a spot I don't like to go too often. That spot is the pissed off zone. But what is even worse is being called a racist for asking someone if they need help. Yes, I said it, a racist. The first time it happened a black lady comes in, asks where the perms are and I respond, aisle 2 which is where the ethnic hair care is. She called me a racist for sending a black woman to the ethnic hair care section. I just work there, i don't make the decision to keep it separate. The second time it happened with a black gentleman who I kindly asked if he needed help location anything. He responded with no, I think I got it. No biggie right? Well a white woman came in right after him whom I welcomed to the store with no response, not even an acknowledgment. So when he comes up to check out he proceeds to call me a racist because I asked him if he needed help but didn't ask the white lady. To me, I was actually for once trying to give good customer service to someone who deserved it over someone who didn't and got called a racist. Fail.... Anyways so my next topic would have to be, just because I work in a pharmacy doesn't mean I'm a licensed doctor. So my advice is just that, advice. Most of the time I just send them straight to the pharmacist. Next would be the gentlemen, usually older white men and middle aged black men who feel like if they slam the pen into the sigcap (debit/credit card machine) that it will make it work better. At best it is doing nothing but making the machine perform less and making me more annoyed. I mean every one that I have ever used, i use my finger and it works perfectly. Maybe slamming the pen into the screen makes them feel more manly, but usually just makes them look dumb because it doesn't work 9 times out of 10. So the final topic I want to touch on is, neatness of putting products back on the shelf. I have worked there long enough and considering I straighten every single night, I can tell what had been shopped and what people just throw back on the shelf knocking 6-7 other items over to you. Yes it seems easier, on you, but makes my work harder as I have to make this look good every night in case the usual district or corporate visitor comes though the next day. So when I come to a section that looks like the aftermath of the Haiti earthquakes I get a little pissed off. But what pisses me off even more is when someone is on the same aisle as I am, sees me doing my thing, and continually knocks shit off the shelf and just throws it back anywhere they see fit. Thats when I want to smack a bitch. Like sometimes I actually daydream of going to the people who do these things places of work and just throwing shit I find all over the place. Kicking a trashcan. Going to their bathroom and pissing on the floor. Lots of things really. These are just a few items that I really dislike about my job. Don't get me wrong, there are customers that when I get to see it brings a smile to my face and I chat with them and shoot the shit with some of them. But there are actually some customers that, well, I run from. So they don't bother the living fuck out of me. Ohh yeah and for you couponers out there, just make sure you have you're shit together. I'm all for saving some money. But don't tell me I'm wrong when I read you company policy after you rant off some shit you read on the internet. I could find plenty of dumb shit on there within 30 seconds that is wrong but could swear to you that just because I read it, its true. So hopefully this rant doesn't offend anyone. Maybe it makes someone realize, hey maybe I should be more careful while shopping. Or maybe to some it makes you want to come into my store and knock shit off the shelf and laugh to your buddies about it. To you, I say, Fuck you sir/ma'am and have a shitty day/night.


So I must have bad karma rolling with me. I posted this up last night and I had one of the worst nights ever tonight. Like 7 or 8 little ass cunt teenagers come and just wreak havoc all over the store. I heard them as soon as they walked in and knew there was a situation in the making. So first they start playing with the big rubber play balls, which one accidentally hit me. Like, at this point I'm just telling myself to take deep breaths. I was about to go Walter Sobjack in this mother fucker. Like they were over the line and I was ready to pull a loaded pistol to make sure it was marked a zero. But I went more with The Dude and just took deep breaths and went with the china man just peed on my rug, which really tied the room together, man. So I keep my cool. Then I hear them over by the condoms and lube playing and acting really immature and what have you. At one point I hear the other shift supervisor ask one of the girls if they had just knocked something off the shelf to which she replied, no, but I will pick it up. You're god damned right you will. So the finally leave and all is back to normal. So I think. Until we see the messes they have made and the snow globe they wrapped a condom around. Like what is wrong with teenagers these days? When I was that age I was out smoking dope and drinking liquor. I didn't have time to go play in pharmacies and act like douchebags. So hopefully I have no more bad karma and my days in retail get better and never have another one of these. Stupid little ass cunts.... Sorry just had to say it one more time.

How I went from a believer to a nonbeliever...

So I was baptized somewhere around the age of 5 or 6 or something like that. I went to church before then, I had an idea of what I was doing. I kept going to church and learned a little more the next couple of years after it. Then there were some unfortunate circumstances in the family and we stopped going to church. At this time I was in 4th maybe 5th grade. So for a year or two I didn't go to church, which at this age I didn't really think much about it. It just meant more fun on Sunday's. So I started middle school and made a new friend. She eventually invited me to church, I agreed and this began many years of this being my second home. I learned the ups and downs of being a christian. There are lots of questions a teenager can ask and many answers to be handed down to this individual. Therefore I was at church every sunday morning and night and every wednesday. I can't say I ever really changed my ways through my teens. I started smoking pot when I was 13 and was drunk for the first time that same year. But even after cussing all week, drinking most nights and smoking all week, I was still at church when I could be. All because I believed in what I was hearing. It sounded so good. You sin, God forgives you and then all is well right? Not quite. When you get older you get smarter, or dumber, polls are still out on that. But your brain doesn't work the same way it used to. You see more of the world through an adults eyes than you do a teenager or adolescent eyes. The world seems perfect when you're younger. Its not until you get older that you see how wrong and grimy it can really be. So the drinking and drugs went on pretty heavily until I was about 19. I figured it was about time to stop (kind of) and I was even closer to God at that point in my life. I went on summer mission trips called World Changers for four years. The first two years I saw a lot of great things happen there. You go and work on people's houses who need it badly during the day, then praise Jesus a lot at night. Some of my dearest friends I have met through those summers. Well something clicked between the 2nd and 3rd years that I went. I didn't know what it was. It wasn't long after my realization that I wasn't really living right. But I started having more questions and was getting less answers. The next couple years I went through life thinking that for some reason God had given up on me. I sinned too much and he was tired of forgiving. I know what you're saying... God is always forgiving and will always be there for you. Will he though? So then I started thinking, ok, so if everyone gets forgiveness then what is wrong with this picture? Thieves, rapists, child molesters, murderers... These people are forgiven too? Really? You've got to be kidding? But people always say these people are going to hell where they belong, right? Well according to the Bible, no, if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior then their sins are washed clean. My mind goes straight to the you've got to be fucking kidding me zone. (yes I actually have one of those.) So there I am, early twenties and completely turned off by this Christianity situation. Its not that I stopped believing in God at that point, it was more, I don't want to be in the same heaven as these people. More time went by and I slowly started separating myself from church. The further I got, the less I believed there was a God. So then my mother gets sick. Here I am, no religion to fall back on and all my faith in the doctors. Until they said those dreadful words, It is terminal and fast moving. Fuck me.... No faith, no help and soon to be no mother. However, my mother had a great faith in God. She accepted it and fought her best and kept her faith in God. I always admired her faith. While mine was withering away, hers always got stronger. Nothing could slow her down. These reasons are the reasons I never told her my true feelings on the faith that we used to share so strongly. I had kept these feelings to myself up until mom died, other than talking to Jack, my old pastor at the time. My friends didn't really know. Kim knew, she saw the changes. But that was about it. So to this day I still get questions about what if Adrien got sick, well I tell them, all of my faith will have to go into the Dr's. To put my faith in the hands of God wouldn't get me very far. I have seen too many people, young and old, taken from this world for no reason. Last year when The Roots came out with their new album, it had a song called Dear God 2.0 on it that i related to a lot. I'm pretty sure Black Thought was on a different page writing it as I was listening to it. I get his message but interpret it another way. The line that I always look back to is this.... "Why is the world ugly when you made it in your image? And why is livin’ life such a fight to the finish?" It makes sense if you really think about it. So for my mom's sake, I hope there is a God. I guess at least it made her feel better about her situation. Which she needed. As for me, I'm still here, doubting the existence of this God. So I hope this explains a little about my situation. I am still very respectful to religious people. I don't want to take God out of everything in this world like some do. This country was founded on, of many things, religious freedom. Which means I have the right to not believe just like anyone else has the right to believe. If Adrien gets to middle school and finds a friend that invites him to church, I won't stop him. I also don't plan on telling him Santa Claus isn't real. Just like I did, I'll let him find out on his own what he wants to believe in.....

What's harder than quitting smoking you ask? Quitting cussing...

Vernacular, do you know what that means? One of the definitions is using plain, everyday, ordinary language. So you could say curse words are part of my vernacular. Part of my language. I can remember cussing as far back as the third grade. Thats not my way of bragging or anything, my language is nothing to brag about. But actually trying to quit cussing would leave me, well, speechless. Usually the first and last words in my day are fuck. I hear Adrien calling out from in his room, look over at the clock and see 6:04, said it. I lay down after being home with Adrien all day, with no naps mind you, then working till 10 and I look at the clock and see that its now 11:39, said it. Not writing it is pretty simple. I let a few go while typing on here or on Facebook, but usually I try not to broadcast it. But you get around me and at least 6 words out of 10 will be swear words. I'm not sure who I got it from exactly. I can remember Mama telling me one Sunday after church when I laid down for a nap she could hear me saying something. As she got closer to my room she realized what it was, the F word. She says she asked where I had heard such a word and my reply was school. I was in kindergarten at the time. How did I hear it there? Who really even knows.... So anyways, I try my best to not say these words in front of Adrien but one slips every once in a while. Nothing bad. But still not good. But when he isn't around, they fly like birds in the sky. The f-bomb is dropped the most. Then comes GD. Which I don't necessarily believe in God so using His name in vain doesn't affect me like it does most. Shit is a pretty common one. Whether its "Kim, Adrien shit his pants and I'm pretty sure its your turn to change it" or "You've got to be shitting me", it can come in different forms. Ass and damn are also the most frequently. I use these words in everyday conversation with people and don't think twice about it. However, I never use them in front of my elders, children and I try really hard not to let them go in front of truly religious people as to not offend them. Some of you may be appalled by this post. Some of you may be the same way. Either way, as the title claims, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to quit doing. There have been instances where as I am proclaiming no more cussing, I say a cuss word in the same sentence. How does one stop cussing? Does the dime in the jar for each one really work? Someone would surely get rich off of me and the bank would have to keep a constant flow of dime rolls coming my way. What else could work? Do you have suggestions? If so I would love to hear them. Until next time, take care and be good folks. See I could've used a different F word there at the end....






PS- I totally forgot about the word bitch. But all you really need to know about that is I never called my mother a bitch, Ive never called my wife a bitch and anyone else is pretty much fair game....

The hardest things about being an asshole and teaching your children not to be.

I was raised under the impression to lead by example. I'm not here to put any one person on blast. I'm more here to explain why I become more and more disappointed with the human race. Also why I hope to not pass this on to my son and any other child that we have in the future. My problems here lately aren't with people I don't know but with people that are close to me. I have my people that I am close to and I have the people that I just feel like I grow further away from. It"s a good thing that Adrien isn't old enough to understand this. I just have a lot of hatred building and doesn't seem to be subsiding. As of tomorrow I will have lost the person that I loved more than anything a year ago to the day and instead of thinking about the good times we had together all I can seem to think about is the blatant disregard for family bond that I am beginning to see get worse as time goes on. There is a lot going on in my family right now that I don't have necessarily have much control over. I was actually told by a family member a few days ago, I hope to see Adrien soon. Am I the only person that can drive to see my family? I mean shit, Durham is close to 30 miles away from me. Why am I the only person that I can drive for you to see a child you are supposed to love? This doesn't go for all of my family in Durham or Hillsborough, I know you guys do all you can and I do the same. Other side of the family guys. Also I see a person that didn't do much for me as a child struggling and I feel like I am the only person trying to help them out. I think deep down I do love this person and I can't see them fall flat on their face and I will do whatever I can to see that they make it. I see a person that I don't have a normal relationship with becoming more distant. The worst part of that is the blame seems to be put on me and my wife. Which is completely unfair. The difference is, as Kim calls it, I'm more of a peacemaker. But that trait is traveling more and more away and the true asshole side of me is coming out. I'm fed up. Are we not important enough for you? Does our time schedule just not fit with yours? Do you think you are better than us? These are things we feel. Like I said I'm not here to put anyone on blast. They know who they are. So if I'm feeling this way, how years from now can I not pass this on to my children? How do I teach them to turn the other cheek when I can't even do it anymore? I'm pretty sure times will be a lot more trying for them at that point. I will try to teach them family is the most important thing they can lean on. I've always told myself I will be a better father than mine was and a better husband than he was. So hopefully I can teach my children to let things roll off their shoulders. Maybe with all of this they will learn family should be number 1. You can't always trust your friends, or acquantices to have your back but you can hopefully fall back on your family. At least this family in this household. Friends come and go, another reason I'm becoming numb to some of the people around me. One instance in particular, I asked one good friend a simple request. In return I got a very unwarming reply and have not spoken to that person since. So why should I be the nice one and try anymore? Why can't I just be the asshole and say fuck it, you want to act like that, fuck it. I do however have a lot of friends that I have made over the years that I know will always be here for me and that i appreciate more than anything. I know this is a lot of ranting and raving. But what I'm really getting at is I hope to not pass my flaws off to my son. Hopefully he has confidence in his family and friends and never has to go through the situations I do. But knows he will always have the love and affection he deserves. He is perfect in every way and I can only hope to pass on to him the virtues my mother instilled in me. If this offends anyone, get the fuck over it. Or try to fix whats broken. Although I'm at my wits end so it won't be easy.

Just a quick question...

Who is viewing this from Germany and Russia? Because whoever you are, your are the shit. Comment or send me a message on Facebook. It's pretty awesome I must say. But would be even more awesome if I knew who you were. And to everyone else who follows and reads, thank you also. I'm willing to write about anything really so I would love feedback or if there is something you would like me to blog about. I would super enjoy suggestions. Believe me when I say this, anything you want to heard, I'm willing to write about it. Thanks for all your support.


AJ

Sleeping til 8am is like winning the lottery.... Your chances are slim to none....

You come super close sometimes. But your odds are one in a million. A lot of you may not have this option anyways, so you won't understand what I mean. Some of you do know what I mean. Some of you don't have this problem, but thats because your child actually sleeps past 8 o'clock. Well for the first time in 20 months, I actually got to sleep past 8 last week. It felt good. For once I woke up feeling refreshed. Has it happened since then, no. Not even close. It's a real pain in the ass when you wake up super early. Not to go to work, for a jog, for an early morning workout, a cigarette and coffee or even a nice breakfast. No, I wake up to a 20 month old wild maniac who wakes up with tons of energy. Don't get me wrong. He sleeps for 11 to 12 hours most nights. But what he doesn't understand is I don't get 12 hours a sleep of night. I'm lucky to get 5, maybe 6, hours of sleep a night. While he is snoozing away, I'm off working for the Man. i get home around 10:45. Spend an hour or so winding down and then laying in bed another 30 minutes to an hour waiting to fall asleep. I look forward to naps after he goes down for his, that never seem to work out. I need Harry Potter here to give him a potion to sleep till 8:15 every morning. That would be ideal. But do you think he understands this? No, not one bit. I guess this is something I can add to the list of things I will never understand as a parent. He better believe that when he gets older, the tides will turn, and I will be the one in his room at 6am every morning saying, WAKE UP!!! Then just walk away and giggle to myself and tell him to fix my breakfast and do the laundry and wash dishes and then cook dinner while he is at it. The best advice I got before he was born was, get as much sleep as you can now. But did I listen? No sir I didn't. so my best words of advice are as follows, sleep now, a lot. Be supportive and get up when your wife does to feed said baby. Not because they want you to but because its the right thing to do, no matter how much it may suck. Last but not least, nap whenever you see the baby napping. The first month or so its all they really do anyways....

My vent... Have a looksy!

I fell off the wagon. I made it a little over 4 months without tobacco, and I picked it back up. I know what you're thinking. Why would he do that? I have my reasons. First and foremost I was becoming a fat ass. No, its not the old saying you stop smoking and gain weight. I replaced smoking with eating. A lot. A whole whole lot. The first 2 months I was doing great. Wasn't really thinking about it. Well the next 2 months its all I thought about and to keep myself from going back, I ate like a squirrel who lost his nuts during the winter. Snack here, candy bar there and three sodas to top it all off. In the latter months of my venture I gained 20 pounds on the dot. Can someone say fat ass? Reason number 2, I wasn't quitting for myself. I wasn't at the point where I wanted to quit. I was mostly doing it to prove a point to Kim that I could indeed do it to stop her bickering. Which she was and still is in the right for. I know smoking kills. I know smoking causes cancer. I don't need commercials or doctors to tell me that. My grandfather died of lung cancer if I'm not mistaken. It was before i was born, which is why I'm not 100% on that. Sissy could verify it I'm sure. But the point is, I wasn't ready to quit. I was doing it because of other reasons and I didn't have a plan set in place. Like I told Kim tonight, for some reason I'm the person who jumps into the pond head first without checking the depth first. It's a very bad trait. The past couple weeks have been rough for me. I inadvertently ruined a very good friendship, I realized I am very unhealthy and out of shape, I'm not a very caring person, I have a lot of deep issues with my mother passing away that I keep suppressing, and generally I'm not a very happy person anymore. True smoking again isn't going to fix those problems. But realizing my problems and beginning to put a plan in place will. I say I'm not a caring person because I don't feel much anymore. Almost like I'm numb to emotions. You're dog died, that sucks. Steve Jobs died of cancer, yeah, so did my mom. I don't think my emotions are where they need to be. To talk a little about my mother, I loved her more than anything in this world. She was taken away for something she didn't cause. If I get lung cancer, thats my bad. She did nothing to get breast cancer the first time. She did nothing for it to come back 15 years later and riddle her body and turn her into someone who was so helpless it brought me to tears every time I saw her. I make jokes and I make it seem trivial but deep down, I hurt. If there is a God, why my mom? Why Kim's mom? Because you needed them in heaven? For what? We need them here more than you need them there. Adrien needs them both here. To hold him. To hug and kiss him. What about the others in this world that have died from this stupid disease? So when i say fuck cancer, I mean it. It's so unfair and unbiased. So what I'm saying is I have a lot going on in my head right now. So I think I want to fix all my problems for other people. But what I have to realize is I have to do these things for myself. Not to prove a point or make someone else happy. I just had to unload this. I also had to let everyone know I am smoking again because I don't want anyone to think about me still being on the wagon. I fell off and I plan to walk for a little while. Walking is good for me right now.....

Pros and Cons of being a stay at home dad..... just a few anyways.

Well first and foremost, the best pro is that I get to spend the days with my heck of son Adrien. Which just so you know is awesome. I always hear parents say they miss their kid or that they missed something their kid did. Like the first time they crawl or walk. I had the privilege to see those things. To match that in the con column is I don't get much family time. I get to see my wife all of about 10-30 mins a day usually. That is not enough for me. Spending our saturday's together is awesome, it's just not enough. Pro number dos would have to be that I am not dropping Adrien off at a daycare that who knows what he would do all day. No offense to daycare workers, but i guess i just like to know what my kid is doing. Not to mention the equal of this pro is not paying for daycare. Holy moly. Con number two would have to be I don't get very much "me" time. I wake up when Adrien wakes up and my only breaks are while he naps. Which are usually taken up by housework during the first nap and me getting ready for work during the second nap. Then Kim gets home, I bag up my dinner and I'm out the door. I don't consider driving by myself as "me" time because I'm driving somewhere I don't want to go. I work my 5 hours. Then drive home and usually go to sleep between 11 and 12. Depends on how tired I am. That is monday through friday. Sunday is my 10 hour work day so there isn't much time to squeeze in some time to myself. Saturday is the only day for said "me" time. But it's also the only day for "family" time. So this too is part of the con, having to choose. So most of the time I consider mowing the lawn or cutting down trees in the woods as my "me" time which is kind of shitty time, but works. Sometimes while Adrien is napping Kim let's me go outside and work on the truck or something like that. Not saying that not having time to myself is her fault. I just always choose the family time over the time to myself. The last issue I'm going to touch on is sort of a pro and a con. Which is why it's last. I have turned into what most call Mr. Mom. I cart Adrien around and do the grocery shopping or run the occasional errand. I wash, fold and put away clothes. I wash the dishes. I plan and cook meals. Well unless Kim picks out the recipe, then it's she plans and I create. I don't necessarily do these things every day, except cook. But I actually do a lot around here. I never try to throw it in Kim's face. I never say I do more than you. Because at the end of the day, I do it to let my wife spend a little bit of time with her son before he goes to sleep. I get somewhere around 9 hours a day with Adrien. You figure, she only gets about 3 hours a night with him. That's if she doesn't have a meeting of some sort. So for those 3 or so hours I want her to be able to enjoy her son. Watch him play and act silly. She deserves it. So the con is a lot of hard work. The pro is my wife not having to worry about anything but spending time with our precious son. That my friend's makes all this worth it. I get time with my boy and my wife gets time with her son. To me, it's just a little work in between.

blah...Monday...blah

So as per usual, I haven't posted in a while. It's monday and Adrien is napping. Which means I am making the grocery list.... YAY(totally fake). I don't mind going to the grocery store. It's actually pretty fun. But I always hate making the grocery list. Kim has decided to start eating healthier, which is good for her but bad for me because I like calories and fat and carbs. Also it makes making this list even damn harder! So she finds recipes in magazines or in blogs that she reads and leaves them laying on the table or pulled up on the iPad. But it's usually only like 2 maybe 3 recipes. I always try to tell her I have to buy 6 meals when I go to the grocery store. One of those being something she will actually cook on sunday's while I'm at work. So 2 or 3 recipes don't really help me that much. As a side note here as to not have her smack me the next time she sees me after reading this, thank for the help that you do provide me with for grocery shopping doll face. So here I sit, listening to The Black Keys, making a grocery list and chatting with said doll face on Skype. I hate monday's. I don't know why. For most people monday means back to the work week. Well that was yesterday for me. All 10 glorious hours of being at that dreadful place. It is a job though. Not better than this job, but this job doesn't pay. It is more rewarding. When I don't have to change anymore really horrible crappy diapers, he can learn to pee in a toilet and can say his ABC's backwards then I will know all my hard work has paid off. There are a lot more rewarding things. I just picked the three most awesome in this scenario. After finally getting my copy of the Tao Te Ching back, i started reading that last night. I have to read it aloud because that is the easiest way to understand it. I may have to read it like 4 times just to make sure i understand it all. Anyone who has ever read may understand this. Unless you're smart and didn't smoke a lot and drink a lot when you were younger. To you I say, good for you. Onto baby stuff. Adrien seems to be growing by the day. Understands near about everything you say to him. Just refuses to say words. He can say what sounds like hello, hey and no. But uses them all at times not suitable for the word. However when we go off and he is sitting in the cart he knows to say HEY to get the person's attention shopping next to us. It's actually pretty funny. This time with him I would not trade for the world. He is a sweet little boy. He loves us and loves to pull Kelly's tail. So I'm not a hundred percent on whether he loves her just yet, or just sees her as another play toy. Banana however, he loves that cat to death. This is about all I have for you on this dreadful monday. Wait one last thing, I am almost 4 months tobacco/nicotine free. Which is totally awesome. Even though I miss it and want to smoke every single day and if it weren't for my responsible neighbor JB, i would have already cracked a few times. Now that's really all I have at this point unless it matters that I switched to listening to Stone Temple Pilots. I swear one of these days I am going to write on here 3 times a week. I'm going to leave you all with a chapter from the Tao Te Ching. Just something to think about....

                                                  II. Self-Development
When everyone recognizes beauty to be only a masquerade, then it is simply ugliness. In the same way goodness, if it is not sincere, is not goodness. So existence and non-existence are incompatible. The difficult and easy are mutually opposites. Just as the long and the short, the high and the low, the loud and soft, the before and the behind, are all opposites and reveals the other.

Therefore the wise man is not conspicuous in his affairs or given to much talking. Though troubles arise he is not irritated. He produces but does not own; he acts but claims no merit; he builds but does not dwell therein; and because he does not dwell therein he never departs.

Sorry for the break.....

But when mama is home, it's family time. Not much has happened since the last time i wrote on here. We have purchased two vehicles since the last post. The first being our family car, the Traverse. I also bought a 1977 Ford F100. Pretty much to haul trash and brush to the dump and what not. I say brush because we are in the process of trying to clean out the woods behind our house. It is slow moving and will be even more so now that Kim has gone back to work. But our plan is to clean out all the little trees and as much pine straw as possible. That way Adrien can have his own little nature area. Where he can grow up and do all the things little boys do. I sometimes wonder if back there will be where he gets his first kiss, or smokes his first cigarette or even gets high or drunk for the first time. Which the latter two of those will certainly get his ass beaten. The first will get him a high five, most definitely behind his mother's back. Which she will see here but will never know when it has occurred. Sorry Kim, its something I'm calling Father/Son Confidentiality. Anyways, as for the little munchkin he is literally growing like a weed. He is running, not walking. Which equals a lot of falling which in turn equals lots of scrapes and bruises. They don't slow him down a bit though. I have literally watched him fall and smack his face on the floor and get up running again. How are they so resilient? If I ever fell down like that, first I would lay there for at least 5 minutes to gather myself. Then I would whine about it for a couple hours. But i had a nice summer with my family. We didn't do much other than a trip down to Wilmington for a night to visit Kim's college friend. A couple trips to  "Lake Currin" as Kim calls it to hang out with some great friends. I'm learning it really is tough losing a parent. Someone who you loved and who loves you has to die because of a stupid disease. Shit sucks for sure. Fuck Cancer.... yeah I said it. I am taking applications for a new mom if anyone is interested. Just thought I would put that out there. I'm noticing this blog is really all over the place. I'm trying to clear out everything I have locked up in here. I am now like 2 1/2 months tobacco free. I think I have mentioned that before. FYI, for anyone trying to quit drinking or quit smoking beware of watching the show Mad Men. Super awesome show, but really makes me want a cigarette when I'm watching it. Well I think I hear the munchkin waking so that means I must cut this short. Until next time my friends.....

Wow.... What a hell of a week....

So last Friday started out as a great day. Kim and I got ready for our day date and Adrien was in a great mood. We laughed and joked and Ryan came to the door. Kelly went crazy as usual. This time, we were prepared. The car was started and everything was ready. Normally we feel super bad about leaving Adrien but this time we needed the date. We needed some us time. So Ryan walked through the door and we walked out. The date started out great. A nice ride to downtown Raleigh. A fantastic lunch at The Pit. So we finish lunch. Make our way back out capital blvd. I'm in the left lane and actually doing the speed limit. Next thing I know a truck pulls out in front of me. I have really no time to do anything but hit the brakes and swerve and boom..... We're sitting on the side of the road. My hands burn, my chest hurts and all I can smell and see is smoke. I look over to Kim and ask if she is ok and she has this painful stun on her face and says she cant breathe. Ok not so good. My chest is hurting really bad and the paramedics come to my side first and I ask if they will go to my wife first because she cant breathe. They do. Everyone was super nice and super helpful and got Kim into the ambulance. They say to me Kim is being transported to WakeMed and I look at them like uhhhh, come hell or high water, I'm riding with my wife. So I did and as we are pulling away I catch a glimpse of the Civ, crumpled is my only word for it.... So we get to the ER and I am split up from Kim because she is on a stretcher and goes straight back. I knew it was going to happen but it didn't make me feel any better about it. I found myself sitting in the waiting area crying not only because I have no clue how my wife is, but also because the adrenaline is wearing off and the pain is kicking in. I'm not sure how many of you have been in this kind of accident before but it was pretty much like hitting a concrete wall going between 50-55mph. That shit hurts, pardon my language. So after a few hours of being checked out and Kim being checked out we are sent home with just cuts and bruises. Which after seeing the car was pretty amazing I'd say. A major thank you goes out to a few people at this point also. First and foremost to Ryan for taking care of our son during all of this. It was very calming to know he was at home safe and happy. Thanks also go out to Kim's siblings Krissy and Andrew for dropping everything they had going on and driving 2 hours to come and pick us up and take us home and take care of us. So the next day doesn't really get you. It's the 3rd and 4th days where you really start feeling it. Every bone and muscle in your body hurts more than anything you can imagine. So a few days of rest would be ideal, but no, it's time to kick it back in gear and head to Orlando with Kim and her students for the FBLA Nationals event. So we wreck on friday, semi rest on saturday, I work a few hours on sunday until I am relieved by the other shift supervisor because I hurt so bad, pack monday during the day and work that night and then fly out on tuesday. That's when things really become unfun. Even though that's not even a real word, it really explains the situation. Summertime in Florida is kind of crappy. Because every afternoon it's like a tsunami outside! Which on wednesday Adrien and I get caught up in. Long story short we all go to Wet N' Wild and have a great time and Adrien and I leave first to catch the trolley back to the hotel and boom, commence tsunami! So we are waiting on the trolley to come and it starts pouring rain, wait for 20 minutes and we are soaked and then watch the trolley drive by because it's full! Great! So I'm soaked, Adrien is soaked and shivering, the stroller is soaked and my only choice is to run to the closest hotel and go into the lobby. They were very nice though. Gave me warm towels to wrap Adrien in to dry and keep him warm as we wait for a taxi. If you don't already know, there isn't much to do with an active 1 year old in OYrlando. True there are a lot of attractions but none that I'm willing to pay a lot of money for just to watch Adrien run around and not pay any attention to any of it. Also when your only transportation is your feet and a stroller and you've just been in a serious car accident, you don't really care much for walking the streets and hoping you don't get rained on as you wait for a trolley. So Orlando wasn't much fun for Adrien and I. We made the best of what we had but boy was it tough. Waking up every morning to a new pain wasn't much fun for Kim and I, but we made do. So we made it back home and went straight to urgent care because Kim's leg is infected and not feeling too great and my chest still hurts pretty badly. Then I find out that my dad has to drive Kim to the ER in Oxford because she may have a blood clot in her leg..... Turn the mass amounts of emotion back on. I'm scared to death but have to suck it up and be happy because Adrien and I are headed back home and I have to try to keep him happy and get his belly full. So turns out Kim's leg is fine, other than the infection. All is well, right? Wrong! The first thing I do when I get home is turn the AC down to get the house cooled back down. Later on in the night after Kim is back home and we are settling back in, the house still seems really hot. So I go look and it has only dropped 1 degree in about 5 hours. F... my life...... So it sure is nice to be home, but it sure was cooler in the hotel in Orlando. Luckily we have a fantastic neighbor named Robert who just so happens to be in the HVAC business and tonight he has saved our day! Kim is asleep, the baby is asleep and the house is finally starting to cool off. On another little topic, just another little jab for me, I had just put new wheels and tires on the car 6 days before the wreck and had ordered lowering springs to put on it. So the car was gonna look pretty dope. Now the wheels and springs are sitting in the building just waiting to be sold. Neither company will take them back so I'm stuck with them until I can find someone to buy them. All of this just adds insult to injury. So, how has your week been? Better than mine and Kim's I hope. After a serious car accident you look at life differently. You think about what could have been... But it didn't turn out that way. So it's all going to be ok. I'm content with ok... Our bruises are going away, we are still sore. But I couldn't be happier. My wife is ok, our son is ok and I will be ok. So all in all, life is good. Just remember kids, always wear your seat belts!

RIP Civic #2... you will be missed.

It's been a while.....

So to start, it really has been a while since I've written on this thing. It's been a little busy in this thing called life. In my last post I talked about Adrien being sick. Turns out, it was a virus. It's called Roseola. Starts out with a high fever and then around the third day they get little red spots all over the trunk of their body. His went all the way up to his neck. Poor baby. But it went away and all was well again. So not much else has been going on in this life of mine. My wife is now out of her school duties and is officially home for summer. Which is very nice. FYI, I'm now typing on the iMac and not the iPad so my spell check and correct is off. Dangit. Anyways today sucked ass. Not only was it hot as balls in my house because the air was broken but there was poor air quality outside due to the hellfires brewing. Which i was told were after me. I don't think so though. But what should i do? Sit in the living room and stay semi-cool under the ceiling fan while the fat man played or should i take him outside and expose his tender little lungs to the smoke? For me, i would've been ok out there considering Ive been a smoker for 13 years. He however has never been exposed to smoke. I didn't believe in smoking around him. But you will be happy to know i am now 19 days tobacco free. It is by far the hardest thing i think i have ever endured. All i can think about is buying a single Black n Mild. Or buying a can of dip. Just to satisfy my craving. But then i remember how long i have been at it now. My previous record was either 2 or 3 days tops. I cant remember which. either way 19 days is a super long time and I'm very excited. Not only am i starting to feel much better, but i am saving loads of money. I actually can make it through a full week with my weekly monies. Anyways that's about all i have for you at this point. I am trying to make myself get back to at least 3 or 4 posts a week. If you enjoy any of this, give me a little nudge on facebook to get something together. I hope all is well in your world. Come back now, ya heard me?

My up and down days this week.......

So Wednesday really wasn't the greatest of days. It starts with a wake up call from Adrien at 5am. He has a fever of 102.something or another. Not so fun. Mainly because I'm up at 5am. Adrien was actually pretty happy as he usually is. So we go about our morning and I gave him some Tylenol and he started feeling better. So after a little while he goes down for a nap and I try to get a few things done. He wakes up screaming, as usual, but a little worse. I go in and check him and he is burning up. Just a piece of advice to new parents or maybe when you have kids, don't use ear thermometers. Pardon my language but they aren't worth a shit. I feel like I'm violating him when I have to do his temp rectally but I feel like it's the truest temp I can get. So I do that and he is up to 103.4. So I'm thinking to myself ok this is pretty bad. Gave him more Tylenol and called the dr. They said they could get me in later in the day so I just held it together and kept him happy til we got there. Walked in and he was happy as could be. Nurse comes out and gets us and we walk back. Lay him on the little weigh station and he is fine. Get in the room and he is fine. She breaks out her thermometer and sticks it in his armpit and all hell breaks loose. I'm not sure why he didn't like that, but he didn't. So for the next 30 minutes I'm consoling, well trying to, a very unhappy baby. Just so you know it isn't as easy as you think. You can go through many emotions with a screaming baby. Dr comes in and he is still screaming and does a throat swab. A little more crying now. Nurse comes in to prick his finger and as she is squeezing the blood out of my son's finger, I look down at his face. He looks back at me and my heart breaks. He can't see through all the tears in his eyes. He can't breathe through all the snot in his nose. And there is this lady, hurting him worse. This isn't a good feeling. All said and done I leave the office being told he has a little virus and just to ride it out the next couple days. I can't help but think to myself, I just put him through all of this for this guy to tell me he has a small virus and to give him ibuprofen. Damn. Anyways we get home and he is happy to see his mommy. So every night this week he has gotten up in the middle of the night and doesn't want to go back to sleep. During the days he is fine until his fever spikes. These are the times I want to choke myself. He can be happy go lucky one minute and the next screaming. I guess the moral of this post is, sick babies are not fun. At all. Choke yourself bad. So beware. Your time will come when you have to see this. Nothing makes them happy. Nothing. Not daddy, not mommy, not moo moo milk, not water, not spinach puffs, not Elmo, not the bouncy ball, not the basketball, not going outside, not nothing!!! Well, spraying him with the water hose made him a little happier that evening when we got home. And doing it sure did make me feel better.

What's the right music for a baby?

So what do you listen to while in the car with your baby? I can't do kids songs. Not now. When he can sing along, maybe. But right now I can't. I try to keep the rap to a minimum. Usually while he is sleeping. Mainly for the simple fact of I dont want his first word to be f#%k or b@#&h. I would feel pretty horrible about that. So I listen to STP and Kings of Leon and The Black Keys. He doesn't know Scott Weiland is a junkie. Was, is? Who knows these days. I like the rockabye baby stuff but I need words. I need to hear something other than what sounds like a xylophone playing Metallica or GnR. Decisions, decisions. Gucci Mane is a def not. Bloodhound Gang really won't do well. Five Finger Death Punch would probably scare him. Gnarls Barkley is pretty good I guess. Cee-Lo by himself, not so good for the kid. So it's not like I can really put the iPod on shuffle. I wish I could pick up Pandora in the car and just keep it on the children's folk music channel. But I can't do that. Radio is always hit or miss. I refuse to listen to country so that's out of the question. Religion channels, no. Talk radio, no for the simple fact I dont want him to care about politics. Because they are all crooks. Hispanic music, no. So I never really know what to play. I can't wait til you get a little older so maybe you can choose. So here's to waitin on you buddy.....

Things I've learned being a parent, and things I'll never understand.

First and foremost, Patience. I thought before Adrien, I was a pretty laid back and easy going guy. I was fairly patient and easy to get along with. But once you have a child, there is a new kind of patience to learn and it will be tested daily. The crying, the whining and most of all the lack sleep. Who knew babies were such hard work? I've learned how to read his cues though. Which is good. I can tell which cry is an actual bad cry. There is a whine cry, a mad cry and an I'm hurt cry. I only pick him up for the latter of those. Just to comfort and rub the booboo. I've learned when he is ready for sleep even though he is still running and playing. I can smell a poopy diaper 10 ft away. Which really isnt a great thing, but is a good thing. I've learned the things that make him laugh and the things that make him cry. Say "arms up" and he lifts his arms and let's you tickle his underarms and squeals with laughter. Turn the handle on the jack in the box and out comes the pterodactyl shrill followed by crying. I've learned how to trick him into eating foods he doesn't really like. You give him a bite of something he likes and then 2 bites of what he doesn't. These are just a few things that I have learned. Now for a few things I will never understand. I don't understand why other parents get 2 hour naps from their kids. If he naps on me, 1 hour. Lay him in the crib, 30-45 mins. Why does he have to cry like a maniac when he does wake up in the crib? Be it when he wakes up at 7 in the morning or each one of his naps during the day. Always crying. Why does he have all these toys but would rather play with a broom or the fly swatter? Really Adrien? A fly swatter? Why is his idea of fun just running around? Why does it seem like a good idea to eat the books as I try to read them rather than just sit and listen? Why do you have to have a rat tail/baby mullet? Why do you pick up the heaviest container of blocks you have and grunt and moan and scream carrying it around? Why does thunder wake me up but not you? I could go on for days. Maybe one day I will learn these things too. But for now I just have to sit here and scratch my head. And on occasion want to body slam you. Not hurt you. Just make you realize you aren't a pterosaur. But thank you for loving me. And snuggling me. And waving and blowing kisses when I leave for work. And for reaching for me when you want me to hold you. Those simple things make everything I go through day to day all worth it. I love you boy and don't you forget it!